Patterns, Buckets, and Permissions

Aspirational Spirals (another great name for a faux 80's band)

I started a new project - retaking Write of Passage, an intensive and effective online writing course. I also stated in a previous article that I wanted to up my writing game. So, as it often goes with me, I started strong. It was great to see familiar faces (I was in the first WoP cohort, and this was Cohort 10) and meet new ones. I blocked time in my calendar for the sessions and settled down to get to work.

After the second session, something came up. No problem - I could watch the replay and do the live writing sessions, and something else came up. Hmmm. Were these important, can’t-miss things? No. They were preferences. Spend an evening with my husband. Do some postponed housekeeping. I had to ask myself. How much did I really want to do this?

And then it hit me.

I was in yet another Aspirational Pattern Spiral.

Patterns

After five decades on this planet, I recognize that my aspirations vastly outnumber the time and energy I am willing to dedicate to something.

Whether it is a delicious recipe that I (hopefully) believe will make me feel just like I’m in Italy or a course that will enable me to Write Better Online/Learn to Speak Spanish Like a Native/or Master Masterful Coaching, I over-index on the enthusiasm part and underestimate the time and energy required.

Thus the Spiral begins…..

Every one of us looks at our calendars to squeeze in extra events. The genesis of my resistance is not necessarily due to time - I work for myself and usually have some blocks available - but to energy. This is why I exercise in the morning and do my best work in the first half of the day, when my energy is highest, and my resistance is lowest.

What I fail to realize is when these extra, aspirational activities fall. For example, my desire for a fabulous meal encounters the resistance of one hour of chopping, washing, and prepping, which I enjoy. However, trying to coordinate burners and the oven so that everything is timed correctly is the killer. Why? My energy and ability to focus after work hours are lower. Those courses that I sign up for? They are in the evening, during or after dinner hours, or in the middle of the day when I am jamming on work or the occasional (and much-needed) lunch with a friend.

The Spiral then proceeds with the “should-ing, need to, have to” dance. If I genuinely want to be fluent in Spanish, I would invest time and treasure into ongoing lessons and immersive experiences. Never mind the other work, family, and financial obligations I have going on……. I continue to berate myself for not being realistic and questioning whether I will ever get my #@&% together.

After “should-ing” all over myself, the Spiral bottoms out with a “why can’t I just” pity party. Then I step back and get curious (the benefit of five decades instead of four). I notice a pattern not only in my energy but also in my week:

• Mondays are for work, meetings, and beginning the tasks that come out of the sessions.

• Tuesdays are for appointments and creative endeavors (podcast, newsletter, or website articles).

• Wednesdays are for volunteering and errands.

• Thursdays are for more work, meetings, and editing.

• Fridays are for publishing and wrapping things up.

Of course, I work across the entire week, often late into the night. Yet looking at these consistent and important activities that occur week in and week out reassures me that my aspirations and energy are well spoken for.

Using the “Doctor, heal thyself” perspective, I wonder who else might benefit from such introspection.

Take a look at your past calendars - by day, week, and month. What patterns do you notice? When is your energy highest? Does it make sense to move some tasks to different times of the day or week?

Buckets

I owe a big thank you to Paul Millerd, who helped me understand happiness and fulfillment through the concept of buckets in his book The Pathless Path. Specifically, which activities or situations leave you feeling better or, if they are absent, leave you feeling worse? This can also apply to people, places, etc. Noticing what buckets need to be filled to feel fulfilled was a game-changer for me.

Health - I tend towards anxious rumination. Exercise is crucial for my mental well-being, as it helps to get my yah-yah’s out so I can settle down. Since my energy is highest and my resistance is lowest in the morning, I try to get something in before 10 am. Somedays are crazy busy, and all I can fit in are 20 jumping jacks in my office to clear my head. Of course, eating well, getting good rest, and watching my alcohol intake is also part of the equation (folks, it does all change in your fifth decade).

Relationships - My daily call list: Mom, Dad, Daughter, checking in with one or two close friends. Seeing a colleague, meeting for coffee, or going on a ‘walk and talk.’ I need these touchpoints to feel connected to others. I feel adrift without it, especially since I work from home and consider myself a human Golden Retriever who needs interaction.

Work - Like it or not, work plays a big role in my identity and confidence. I like engaging with others, working on interesting projects, and getting compensated for my efforts. I often joke that I failed as a stay-at-home mom. When my daughter was eight, I contemplated returning to a full-time job and asked for her input. She said, “Mommy, you are happier when you work.” I AM happier. I feel productive, engaged, and in the game. Out of the mouths of babes…….

Community - one-on-one relationships are critically important, but so is being a part of something larger than myself. Affiliation is a key motivator for me. We are empty nesters and no longer have a school community to be a part of, and I’ve always struggled to be part of a religious community. So volunteering plays a big part in my life. I say this not as a virtue signal but as a key part of my mental well-being. Recently, I’ve also taken up playing Rummy Cube at a dive bar with a bunch of 60 and 70-year-old women. Can’t wait to see what bawdy pearls of wisdom come out of that group.

Whenever I feel off or, more tellingly, an interaction that I usually enjoy leaves me feeling blah, I check back in with my buckets. Usually, one or two are empty. Once I attend to these, I feel better. It’s like nutrition. If you don’t get essential nutrients, you eventually feel it in terms of less energy, poor sleep, or muscle fatigue.

What are the buckets you need to fill on a daily or weekly basis to feel fulfilled?

Permissions

Funny - the topic of not taking my writing course as seriously as I aspire to resulted in a longer and deeper essay - something I aspired to in my prior newsletter. The introspection for this article also helped me realize that instead of grinding away (or not) on Spanish self-study, I can plan for a future trip and let the excitement of departure motivate me to study and practice.

A key realization about these Aspirational Pattern Spirals is that - although they are born out of a sense of desire, adventure, and hope - I quash those motivators by demanding rigid adherence. What I need is Permission. Permission to fit it in after my buckets have been filled. Permission to not have perfect attendance. Permission to have more open slots in my calendar, even if I feel anxious that there are bigger gaps than I am comfortable with.

I hope these “Permissions to Lighten Up” will lead to others. Like Permission to Take a Long Nap if I haven’t been sleeping well instead of barrelling through writing or work. Permission to Skip a Productive Day if my mind can’t settle. And Permission to end this article with one last question: What Permission would make a big difference if you granted it to yourself?

Until next time.

Lindsey